Living with Grief and Depression

This time of year always seems to get me! March is colorectal cancer awareness month, which is what my mom was diagnosed with. The anniversary of her death is in April and she was diagnosed in May.. So needless to say these three months always tend to bring up all sorts of feelings. Also, being a lifelong sufferer of depression it is a slippery slope not to get sucked into the abyss of that depression. This year will mark the 11th anniversary of my mom's passing, while some days if feels like an eternity since I have heard her voice, other days it feels like yesterday I was holding her hand, saying goodbye and assuring her that I would be ok without her. Little did I know just how hard it would be to actually live without the most important person in my world. From the time I was nine it was just my mom and I, my dad was never really around much even before he actually left, so my mom was both mom and dad for most of my life. She was my go to, my ride or die, and no matter how much shit I put her through I knew I could always count on her to be right there!

When she passed one of her closest friends stepped up and was the one who would call and check on me, she was the only one in my moms circle who knew how much I was suffering. I really didn't have a chance to grieve, I kept a lot inside, I had a grandmother who I still had to look after and most of my moms other friends would check on her. Which is fine, I knew I had Janet, sadly about six months after my moms passing Janet began her own battle which she eventually lost. Again, I grieved a mother figure and the one person who truly knew the depths of my grief and what I was up against with taking care of my grandmother, who was quite a handful, to say the least.

Years went by, and I did my best to put my best foot forward, while navigating this road without my true north. I would see people out who were my mom's 'friends' and they would make comments, I would hear second hand things that were being said about me and how I handled certain situations. Nobody giving me the time of day to hear my story or see the struggles I had or what I was actually going through. One thing my mom taught me was how to fight! I don't really need to explain myself, I know what I did and am doing is what I need to do to survive and not be swallowed up whole by this darkness.

These last few months have been a struggle to say the least, I think all the loss I have experienced the last few years has been shoved down and I haven't really dealt with it. I lost my Aunt, who was one of the most amazing people I have ever known, a few months ago, and it hit me harder than I had expected. I have a lot of guilt about a lot of things, one of them not making the trip to New York to see her more, and I kept telling myself I will do that this summer and then the next summer, and here it is too late. Lesson learned never put off till tomorrow what you can do today! Anyway, it has had me reevaluating life, and where I am in it! While I have an amazing life, great husband, amazing son, and some pretty great friends, there still seems to be this heaviness in my heart, the hole and emptiness that brews just below the surface. I tend to over analyze things and maybe make mountains out of mole hills. But sometimes you have to listen to that voice that is telling you to step back and take some time to sit with your darkness. It's ok to not be ok all of the time. Sometimes that is hard to justify when from the outside looking in things are pretty damn great! If anything, loosing people like Robin Williams and Twitch has taught us, is that it is really true that you never know what someone is dealing with. We should all practice kindness and never judge a book by reading one sentence, never assume to know the whole story, and if you call yourself a friend to someone don't judge them or make passive aggressive comments when they don't do things you think they should or take time for themselves to heal something that can't be seen.

then in all the things that have happened these last few years, I have learned that people who judge and shame not knowing an entire situation are not 'friends' nor should you allow their opinions of you to alter how you feel about yourself. People who judge and shame based on one sided story have no business in your life at any given point in time. People who on the outside have the persona that they are superior to others and portray to be 'good people' when in fact they are the ones judging and making the behind the back comments are the ones that are the ones who make facing the reality of who they really are the hardest pill to swallow. I think the realization that people have not lived up to my expectations or what I would have considered to be people who would have reached out to me has been the hardest to face head on. People who have known me my entire life, turing their back on me for reasons I don't quite understand. People who believe a narrative about me based on one side of a story or secondhand stories,

These last few months have been a struggle to say the least, I think all the loss I have experienced the last few years has been shoved down and I haven't really dealt with it. I lost my Aunt, who was one of the most amazing people I have ever known, a few months ago, and it hit me harder than I had expected. I have a lot of guilt about a lot of things, one of them not making the trip to New York to see her more, and I kept telling myself I will do that this summer and then the next summer, and here it is too late. Lesson learned never put off till tomorrow what you can do today! Anyway, it has had me reevaluating life, and where I am in it! While I have an amazing life, great husband, amazing son, and some pretty great friends, there still seems to be this heaviness in my heart, the hole and emptiness that brews just below the surface. I tend to over analyze things and maybe make mountains out of mole hills. But sometimes you have to listen to that voice that is telling you to step back and take some time to sit with your darkness. It's ok to not be ok all of the time. Sometimes that is hard to justify when from the outside looking in things are pretty damn great! If anything loosing people like Robin Williams and Twitch has taught us, is that it is really true that you never know what someone is dealing with. We should all practice kindness and never judge a book by reading one sentence, never assume to know the whole story, and if you call yourself a friend to someone don't judge them or make passive aggressive comments when they don't do things you think they should or take time for themselves to heal something that can't be seen.

I have been trying to sort out some feelings that I don't quite understand, and have been very angry, for lack of a better term, at people who have turned backs on be based on a false narrative. I have seen and heard things that have really hurt, given that they come from people who are friends, have known me my entire life, and have the persona of being good people. I have found those people are the ones who are the worst type of people. I would much rather have someone who is upfront and honest with what they have heard and think then the ones who sit in judgement. I keep telling myself that they aren't worth my time, yet here I am stewing over them and writing about it. I think maybe if I say some of these things out loud, or in writing, it will help me get over the pain and hurt I have been dealt from people who I considered friends, and family. It is what it is I guess.

What I need to do now is focus on me and what I can do and change about where I am now. Mentally o! Life is short and precious. My son is graduating in a few months, and I think that is another source of this depression, while I am so happy and proud of him, it isn't lost on me through all of this my mom is missing out on a huge milestone! She loved him so much and he brought her so much joy in the short time they had together. It kills me to know she won't be here to witness this amazing boy embark on his next journey. I think that pain when you lose someone close, and know when things happen good and bad they are missing it. Life cut way too short! All the stages of grief come flooding back, people who think you just get over it, are lucky that they have never had to experience it and know what it is like. It is a constant ebb and flow, you never know what will trigger a thought or memory and send you into a crying fit, or rage that it had to happen! Then acceptance when the fog clears until it happens again.

I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out, as rambled as they may seem. It has been a lot to bear keeping so much inside. I am not one to burden people, and I don't want some to see me suffer, so today this is my outlet. Maybe my rambling will be useful to someone in a similar situation, or maybe just knowing that it is ok to feel how you feel. Don't be sorry for that ever. Sometimes the feelings are justified sometimes maybe just over egalitarian of the mind, just get them out and deal with them, do what you have to do to get to the next phase and find what fuels your soul and purpose.

To those who say they are friends to people be a friend and don't judge, don't speak behind backs, and know that what goes around always comes around. I hope that if you find yourself in a dark spot, that knowing you are not alone brings comfort. While my ass is far from perfect, and believe you me I have made my fair share of mistakes, I know I am a constant work in progress. I take what I mess up, what I see, and what I hear and use it as a fuel source to do better and be better each and every day! You may see me fall and falter but you will never see me quit and give up! Be the person you want in others, and always stay true to who you are!

Thank you for reading if you are still here know you are never alone in your feelings. Stay healthy, well, and always strive to do better and be better